Relapse

What a February. After having my spleen, gallbladder, some of my liver and a bunch of tumors blasted from my body in January, I can tell you that I was not really expecting the events of this month and specifically the last couple of weeks. December and January were filled with a lot of hope, and although that hope is still there, February, like winter, is a reminder that there are seasons to everything and that life doesn’t work according to your timing.

I’d like to start by talking about the trip to California we took to come together with Scott’s family and to remember his wonderful mom, Ilene Lawler Ellsworth. I’ve always said that I lucked out BIG TIME in the in-law department when I married Scott. His siblings are great people whom we get together with at least once a year, his step-Dad Tom is a tower of love and wisdom and his mom, Ilene, is a direct reflection of all the wonderful people she’s raised and called friends throughout her life (which is no small number considering she had 4 children of her own, and remarried into a family with 10 children!). Ilene was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's 18 years ago. She managed to stay active and mentally engaged with her career with Jafra Cosmetics, which she held for over 50 years, and a family of over 100+ individuals for an incredible amount of time, only really showing signs of her illness in the last 5-7 years or so. She passed peacefully in her sleep with her love, Tom, holding her hand. We love her and remember her.

Being with Scott’s kids was also a wonderful experience seeing as it’s difficult for all of them to come together from around the country. We love seeing their spouses and kids but it was special being able to come together with just them and spend time with one another.

The only con to the trip was the weather. Everywhere I went I was covered in layers with my little orange pillow in tow that I could clutch to my abdomen to keep my incision from surgery secure. I was only three weeks post surgery, so It was in pain a lot of the time and I was just too cold all of the time. As a result, 2 days after we got home I ended up taking a trip to the ER where they found I had a UTI, a sinus infection, the flu, and fluid around my liver. Not to mention the ER was just so busy, I spent nearly three days there on a gurney as there were no rooms or even beds available. They did test after test while my friends and family rotated shifts being with me. As always, they really stepped up to the plate and rallied for me. At one point I was so desperate for a room and a bed that I told them I was ready to go against medical advice so I could just go home. They told me a room was available and ended up transferring me to post-op... I don't mean to sound ungrateful but the only difference between post op and the ER gurney was that I exchanged my door for a curtain, meaning less privacy and it was filled with the noise of patients coming out of anesthesia or experiencing great pain. It was awful and I was mentally and physically exhausted. Luckily, my friend Chelsea happens to be the hospitalist there and she worked her but off to get through all the paperwork so that I could be released. I've never been so grateful for my bed (or good connections) in all my life!

Now for the hard part. One of the many tests they conducted while I was at the hospital was a CT Scan, which was sent to Dr. Genyk, my liver surgeon at USC. 

This last Friday I knew I would be receiving a call from him or his PA Kristen. Scott was in Malaysia en route to China at the time on a trip he'd already postponed due to my hospital visit. Friday night, I get the call and it's Kristen - who, by the way, is absolutely fabulous. She was calling me after she'd gotten off work which is typical of her considering she is always, always accessible. 

The first thing she said was, "Is your husband with you?"

My heart sank.

I told her he was in Malaysia but that my friend LeAnn was with me. She told me that I had relapsed and the cancer was back in my liver. So soon after my surgery. It was not the news we were hoping to hear.

On the phone, I tried my best to keep it together because Dane was sitting on the couch and was about to go out. I didn't want to upset him LeAnn could tell something was wrong, and as soon as Dane left I broke down in tears. She was up in action immediately calling friends and people who could come over and give me a Priesthood blessing. (A prayer for healing, and comfort given to a person) Since Scott was gone I had to call him and tell him the news while he was on the runway from Malaysia to China and ask if he could cut his postponed trip short to come home and be with me. He of course did. We have an appointment at USC on Monday with Dr. Lenz to figure out our next steps.

A bright light, in spite of the disappointment, has been the last few days and how I've been able to focus a lot of energy on my wellness. When you're doing chemo you're pretty limited in the things you can do to take care of yourself. Today I was able to get my teeth cleaned! Such a small, but wonderful thing to do as far as self-care goes. I'm grateful because I've had so many people come into my life who've supported me in the value of self-care and wellness- preparing your body and mind as much as possible for the fight of chemo and surgery. Doing things like reflexology, getting my vitamin drips, and working to maintain a constant positive attitude have made all the difference for me. So right now, I'm arming myself up and doing all the things I can before I enter into whatever the next stage of battle is. Immunotherapy, another round of chemo- whatever it is. As always, I am IMMENSELY grateful to all those in my life who come to my rescue. My husband, my boys, my friends and loved ones. Thank you for sitting with me physically and emotionally through this latest ride. At this point there's not much we can say except, let's see where this next chapter takes us :)