Scott and I were talking with his daughter, McKenna the other night and going over the frustration of Scott dealing with Google and his recently lost phone. Essentially we seem to be at a roadblock because to get his new phone he needs to go through a verification process- this process includes sending a code to his device that he no longer has. Which puts him and Google at an impasse of sorts. These kind of problems happen to be some of Scott's very least favorites in life. Anyway, we joked about 'first world problems' and how these things are frustrating but not at all like dealing with life or death issues. To which we all had to pause and recognize that that's also a current reality on our roster of 'problems'.
2019 has had a funny way of showing us to be grateful for the time when it was just cancer and chemo treatments that we had to deal with- how's that for ironic? I tell you, I've had so many moments this year where I couldn't help but think "Am I actually being punk'd right now? Because in no way can this be happening to us." Problem after problem has popped up just when we were thinking to ourselves, 'Well at least nothing else can go wrong!' McKenna pointed out that although these 'first world problems' are little in the spectrum of life they can still be so, so draining emotionally. First world problems are the type of problems that often spring up as three new, separate problems with each step you take towards the solution- testing not only your attitude but your endurance. And right now, we're simply trying to endure it well. All of it.
For the sake of documentation, we decided to write out 10 things of both positive and negative natures that have occurred since 2019 with a resolve to keep moving forward. And laugh as much as possible.
1. Mourning Scott's wonderful mother, Ilene
Although Scott's mother's health had been declining, it still came as a slight shock to us when she passed. The ensuing roller coaster of emotions is still ongoing, and we miss Ilene and her presence so much.
2. Stay in the ER
Coming home from traveling to California only to wind up with one of the worst health scares and consequential stays in the ER was just terrible. Three days in the ER on a gurney was exactly the opposite of what my body needed and wanted after losing so much strength from surgery and I am still recovering from the whole experience.
3. Scan that revealed the cancer is back (and worse than it's ever been)
Finding out that the liver resection was not as successful as we'd hoped and that my cancer had already returned was just a kick to my tumor-filled gut. We really struggled with this news and the reversal of hope we'd experienced coming into the new year.
4. Gas Leak
This is when I started to believe that being punk'd could really be an option. We had a gas leak underground, causing the Gas Co. to evacuate us- the day before our trip to CA to see my doctor! I was scrambling to get packed in case we'd be out for a long time, but luckily it was only a couple of hours.
5. Sickness Before & During Trip to CA
I was nervous when I started to feel sick soon after the gas leak that it was caused by some sort of poisoning because I felt terrible. And I had a road trip the next day. I was up sick all night and spent most of the car ride laying in the back seat of the truck, hoping I'd make it to CA intact. I was sick all the next night as well, but confident it wasn't due to the gas because I always felt much much better as soon as I'd emptied out my stomach! Unfortunately I would be required to stay on a liquid diet for awhile.
I was nervous when I started to feel sick soon after the gas leak that it was caused by some sort of poisoning because I felt terrible. And I had a road trip the next day. I was up sick all night and spent most of the car ride laying in the back seat of the truck, hoping I'd make it to CA intact. I was sick all the next night as well, but confident it wasn't due to the gas because I always felt much much better as soon as I'd emptied out my stomach! Unfortunately I would be required to stay on a liquid diet for awhile.
6. Mussels Massacre in My Kitchen
Note to self- do NOT impulse buy a giant, Costco sized bag of mussels! This seemed like such a well-deserved indulgence considering Scott and I both love seafood and cook it on a regular basis. I brought the mussels home and proceeded to soil my home with not one, but two batches of terrible smelling mussels that I could not successfully cook. They smelled and tasted horrible and my kitchen floor was littered with the corpses of my failed mussel dinner attempt.
Note to self- do NOT impulse buy a giant, Costco sized bag of mussels! This seemed like such a well-deserved indulgence considering Scott and I both love seafood and cook it on a regular basis. I brought the mussels home and proceeded to soil my home with not one, but two batches of terrible smelling mussels that I could not successfully cook. They smelled and tasted horrible and my kitchen floor was littered with the corpses of my failed mussel dinner attempt.
7. Cystic Acne- Symptom from my Drug
This drug I'm on is said to be a wonder drug for my tumor DNA, but all I currently know of it for myself is the ensuing cystic acne that has shown up all over my chest, head back and face. I knew I'd be getting acne as a symptom but I did not realize how painful it would be! Like little volcanoes all over my skin.
This drug I'm on is said to be a wonder drug for my tumor DNA, but all I currently know of it for myself is the ensuing cystic acne that has shown up all over my chest, head back and face. I knew I'd be getting acne as a symptom but I did not realize how painful it would be! Like little volcanoes all over my skin.
8. Attempted Identity Theft
Someone decided that my life is just the envy of all and had my address changed with my credit card company and tried to hack into my PayPal account! Luckily it was blocked but it's just laughable- move along, friend. This is not the party to be crashing.
Someone decided that my life is just the envy of all and had my address changed with my credit card company and tried to hack into my PayPal account! Luckily it was blocked but it's just laughable- move along, friend. This is not the party to be crashing.
9. Scott's Credit Card Used to Purchase upward of $7,900 in flights
We got a call from United asking if Scott was buying flights to Rio and all sorts of other places... No, no we do not have plans to go to Rio, thanks very much! This person was booking so many flights that was charging thousands of dollars to Scott's business card! Luckily United caught it and reached out to us, so no harm done.
We got a call from United asking if Scott was buying flights to Rio and all sorts of other places... No, no we do not have plans to go to Rio, thanks very much! This person was booking so many flights that was charging thousands of dollars to Scott's business card! Luckily United caught it and reached out to us, so no harm done.
10. Busted Pool + Hot Tub Heater + Torn Up Back Yard
This one is sort of feeble in comparison to some of the other problems and situations we have going on, but how much does it stink when things break, you get them fixed, and then they break again? Not to mention when those things are relatively expensive! Again, first world problems because how lucky are we to have jacuzzi and pool to fix in the first place?
But on the other hand how little time and energy do we currently have to deal with a repeated problem like this?
Can everything just stay fixed for a minute while I use it myself?
This one is sort of feeble in comparison to some of the other problems and situations we have going on, but how much does it stink when things break, you get them fixed, and then they break again? Not to mention when those things are relatively expensive! Again, first world problems because how lucky are we to have jacuzzi and pool to fix in the first place?
But on the other hand how little time and energy do we currently have to deal with a repeated problem like this?
Can everything just stay fixed for a minute while I use it myself?
Moving on to the many wonderful things that continuously remind Scott and me of our blessings. They are constant and truly sustain us when it feels like we're about to break
1. Boat Day with the Boys
Scott bought a boat this year, which has been a dream of his since he sold his last one decades ago, and we took it out for a day with the boys. The water was cold and I had to stay totally sun-covered due to my acne but it still managed to be a wonderful and much-needed escape from all of the stress and worry. And broken stuff.
Scott bought a boat this year, which has been a dream of his since he sold his last one decades ago, and we took it out for a day with the boys. The water was cold and I had to stay totally sun-covered due to my acne but it still managed to be a wonderful and much-needed escape from all of the stress and worry. And broken stuff.
2. Having my Friend Carmen and her family come stay with us for a night- 3 liver resections 50+ chemo treatments and killing it. This is Carmen! Seeing how good she is doing was a true tender mercy at the exact right moment. Her husband Carl knows the DNA stuff and after going over my tumor profile he explained how much Carmen and I have in common by way of DNA. Keep killing it Carmen cause I'm following in your footsteps.
3. Celebrating Scott's wonderful mother's life
Of course, it is sad to be without Ilene, but it was so fortifying and wonderful getting together with Scott's family to remember and celebrate her. We are so happy to have her forever.
4. Photos with Nicole
My good friend Nicole is an amazingly talented photographer who's taken photos of me before with my close friends. She reached out and offered to take photos with me and the boys- a gift I simply treasure. It's so great having these beautiful photos too because cancer has many faces, and they're all real. One face is the one of me, surrounded and lifted by my boys with a healthy smattering of makeup to face the world. The other, also very real face is the makeup-less, acne covered me. Stripped down and worn out from the effort and exhaustion. Both are real, both are me.
My good friend Nicole is an amazingly talented photographer who's taken photos of me before with my close friends. She reached out and offered to take photos with me and the boys- a gift I simply treasure. It's so great having these beautiful photos too because cancer has many faces, and they're all real. One face is the one of me, surrounded and lifted by my boys with a healthy smattering of makeup to face the world. The other, also very real face is the makeup-less, acne covered me. Stripped down and worn out from the effort and exhaustion. Both are real, both are me.
5. Planning more boat trips with my kids and Scott kids in the summer!
We can't wait to take the boys to the river in June and Scott's kids to Bear Lake in July! I'm hoping the acne settles (much sooner) and we can look forward to plenty of sunshine and boat time with our favorite people.
We can't wait to take the boys to the river in June and Scott's kids to Bear Lake in July! I'm hoping the acne settles (much sooner) and we can look forward to plenty of sunshine and boat time with our favorite people.
6. The drug I'm on worked great for my friend Carmen. She told me it was what got her to NED (no evidence of disease) which isn't heard of often in the colon cancer world. Apparently the nasty case of acne is a good sign it is working.
7. Scott bursting out in laughter when the gas leak literally made us homeless the night before our trip to CA to see Dr. Lenz.
I mean we actually had nowhere to go! Sometimes laughing is ALL. YOU. CAN. DO.
I mean we actually had nowhere to go! Sometimes laughing is ALL. YOU. CAN. DO.
8. My continued increase in strength and healing of my incision.
One of the hardest parts of the last few weeks has been trying to regain my strength back from my resection surgery. I've just been so weak and having repeated sicknesses, hospital visits, road trips and other issues has presented quite the roadblock between me and full restoration but slowly and surely it's coming back to me! I feel a little bit stronger, a little more energized and my incision gets better all the time!
One of the hardest parts of the last few weeks has been trying to regain my strength back from my resection surgery. I've just been so weak and having repeated sicknesses, hospital visits, road trips and other issues has presented quite the roadblock between me and full restoration but slowly and surely it's coming back to me! I feel a little bit stronger, a little more energized and my incision gets better all the time!
9. Greater appreciation for something simple and easy, like chemo!
I so look forward to having a week of simple chemo now! How funny is that? Lately there's just been so much extra stuff that it's given me perspective of how great it can be to just have straight cancer and chemo on my schedule. Having cancer certainly separates me a few degrees from a clean bill of health, but seeing a time when I'm not recovering from surgery, throwing up my stomach lining, or dealing with cystic acne in ADDITION to chemo is heartening.
I so look forward to having a week of simple chemo now! How funny is that? Lately there's just been so much extra stuff that it's given me perspective of how great it can be to just have straight cancer and chemo on my schedule. Having cancer certainly separates me a few degrees from a clean bill of health, but seeing a time when I'm not recovering from surgery, throwing up my stomach lining, or dealing with cystic acne in ADDITION to chemo is heartening.
10. All of my amazing friends, family, church members who have reached out and offered their strength as I've literally had almost none since February.
How wonderful, wonderful, wonderful is it to have such extraordinary people in our lives. I continue to receive texts, phone calls, well-wishes and thoughtful gifts and goodies on my doorstep. These things may be coming to me via doorstep or phone, but they make it so much further, landing right by my heart and lifting me at every turn and misstep.
How wonderful, wonderful, wonderful is it to have such extraordinary people in our lives. I continue to receive texts, phone calls, well-wishes and thoughtful gifts and goodies on my doorstep. These things may be coming to me via doorstep or phone, but they make it so much further, landing right by my heart and lifting me at every turn and misstep.
Two quotes that stand out to me when it comes to life and the things we all experience are:
"The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph" - The Butterfly Circus
"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." - Jeffrey R. Holland
How true are these statements? And how easy is it to forget them when we're in the middle of our trials? What are some of your 10 things that you appreciate right now? Chances are you couldn't have had some of those good 10 things without the bad as well! I don't necessarily always look for perspective when I'm right in the thick of it, but I'm certainly grateful for hindsight and for the down periods in between the difficult times that allow me time to reflect and build myself up better for the next thing! We all have the power to fortify ourselves against negativity and embrace each day with an enthusiastic "Come what may and love it!"
xo Mandy
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